“Wait, you’re single????!”
I know… madness isn’t it. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just too damn sexy/intelligent/funny/incredible that I’ve scared all of the guys off.
Valentine’s Day is coming up *reaches for ice cream*, and while all of us singletons are preparing for the big day when we’re reminded just how single we are (even though we are no more or less single on 14th February than we are on any other day and Valentine’s Day is actually just a load of sh*t), I thought I’d go against the grain and tell you all that, actually, I’m pretty happy with it. I’m pretty happy with the whole single thing.
My last serious relationship ended in 2014. It was an incredible 3 years, but things don’t always work out.
Get over it.
So for over two years I have been cruising around on my own. It was weird at first, and sure, sometimes it’s a bit sucky. You know, you get those nights where it would be kinda nice to have someone to cuddle. Or those days where you look at couples and you think “Will I ever have that again?”. Maybe you’ve discovered a cute new café or watched a film or just experienced something lovely and you wish you could have shared that with somebody else. Those moments can get to us all sometimes right? But for the most part, for 90% of the time, I’ve loved being single, and I still do. And here’s why.
“When you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself.”
1) I’ve learned to be happy alone
I feel like this is kind of a cliché, but it amazes me how many of us haven’t learned this yet. A lot of people need company, attention, constant reassurance that there’s someone there. That someone WANTS them. And that’s totally normal: that’s human. But I’ve realised… I’m actually alright.
I don’t want to be needed, and I don’t need to be wanted. I’m happy to do my own thing and to spend time by myself. In fact, I often choose that over spending time with other people. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I could be a whole lot happier, but only with the RIGHT person. And it’s because of this, because I’m happy to be alone, that I don’t spend my days searching for somebody to love me. I know I’m adored by my friends and my family and I give myself enough love that I don’t feel the need to get that from a guy. I do not by any means feel that there is a piece of me that’s missing that could only be filled with the companionship of a man. As Cheryl Strayed, one of my favourite writers, once summed it up so beautifully:
“We have to be whole people to find whole love.”
Truth is, you’ve got to really know yourself and be happy with who you are and be content in being alone before you are capable of committing to a relationship that is totally equal and reciprocal. I live a life now that I love: where I take care of myself and I do things for me, and I’m happy for it to stay like that until something special comes along.
2) I’ve done ALL the self-improvement a girl could do
Seriously. Time alone = time to focus on YOU, which is something that far too many of us neglect when we’re caught up in a relationship.
Not having to worry about somebody else means you have so much more energy to work on yourself, and I know now that when I do find someone I want to be with, I’ll be the best partner that I can be because my appeal isn’t that I need somebody. My appeal is everything that I am, and everything that I will be. One of the most rewarding parts of a relationship is seeing the joy and happiness you can give to somebody by simply being yourself. But if you’ve only ever known yourself as an extension of somebody else, how do you know what you can give? How do you know what parts belong to you?
I have so much more to offer now than I ever did before precisely because I’ve had this time to work on myself. I’ve not spent my single time desperately looking for someone to fill this gaping hole in my life, because there isn’t one. There’s no pressure on any man who comes into my life to “fix” me or make things better. I am a whole. All of the traits which were hiding deep down before, which I was kind of afraid of and relied on somebody else to bring out of me, are now the predominant parts of who I am because of the time I’ve spent alone.
And because of this, and having learned to love myself, I won’t ever be looking for a man to “complete” anything, but rather add to what I already have. To join me on my little journey and be part of my team. And that makes me happy, because I know how incredible that will be as and when it does happen.
3) Being single means I haven’t found “THE ONE”
And this makes me HAPPY? Have I lost my mind?
Well, quite possibly, but that’s a whole other blog post.
First of all, I don’t believe there is “the one.” I mean, come on, there’s 7.5 billion people on this planet. Do you really think only one of them is perfect for you? Are you seriously going to set yourself the challenge of finding the one single person who fits you like a glove? Are you really going to limit yourself to such a tiny proportion of all of the wonderful human beings out there to meet? Sounds stupid doesn’t it?
In my opinion, there’s a good handful of people all over this world who could be your “one”, or “ones”. They’re probably all completely different, but they’re all completely perfect for you. A lot of people panic that they’ve not found the right guy and get all IS THERE EVEN THE RIGHT GUY? MAYBE THEY ALL SUCK. MAYBE I’LL BE SURROUNDED BY MORONS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. And yeah, maybe you will. If you always choose to settle for the first person that shows an interest in you, it’s quite likely you’re gonna be stuck with someone who’s not right for you.
And that’s exactly why I’m not worried that I’ve not found “the one” yet. Because I know that I’d rather spend the next however many years on my own than be with someone who I know isn’t right for me. I’ve met a lot of great guys over the past couple of years: really fantastic, clever, funny, brilliant men. But for whatever reason, it didn’t work out, and I was always weirdly kind of happy when it didn’t, because it reminded me that I will know, that I will be so so sure when the right one does come along. The one who makes my soul catch fire and who I know can give me a whole life of love and adventure. You see, the fact that I’m still single shows me not that “the one” doesn’t exist, but rather reminds me of the excitement that lies ahead in finding them, whenever that may be.
4) It’s taught me that waiting is good
“The important thing about learning to wait, I feel sure, is to know what you are waiting for.”
And because of this time alone, I do know what I am waiting for. The level of self-love and respect I have for myself having been single assures me that I won’t ever settle for anything less than that, and that I am happy to wait. That if it means finding utter loyalty and commitment and adoration and something truly great and beautiful, I will wait. And those occasional gloomy days I spend by myself, wishing I had someone to cuddle, will be so worth it when that finally happens.
So my advice?
Wait for someone who knows you have three freckles on the side of your face because they spend their time looking at your eyes and your smile, and not at your body.
Wait for someone who knows you like coffee after breakfast not before, and that you take it with brown sugar, never white, because they ask you these things and they listen and they know you. For someone who knows what your favourite colour and song and book and quote is because your eyes light up and you get the dimples in your cheeks every time you see them.
Wait for someone who doesn’t know that you hate the word sorry, because they’ve never had to say it to you. For someone who knows you’re scared of goodbyes, so they never leave you, and if they do it’s always “see you soon” or “catch you later”, or “I love you”.
Wait for someone who knows you’ve been hurt so they hover gently and they trace your lips with their fingertips before they touch you. Someone who holds you tight when you sleep so you know that you’re always safe, and that you’re always warm.
Wait for someone who could close their eyes and paint the colour of yours down to the last speckle of brown that sits around your pupil, because they memorise your face every time that they look at you.
Wait for someone who loves you and values you and treats you like you deserve.
Wait for someone who
And in your waiting, you will learn, and you will see that all of this time you spent being single, of learning about yourself, of discovering what you love and how you want to live and what you’re passionate about and what’s important to you, in all of this self-discovery which can only be attained through being on your own, you will be reassured. You will be certain that one day you will be blessed with the best possible love; that you will love somebody and they will love you, because you have loved yourself.
And that is why I’m happy to still be riding solo.
Happy Valentine’s Day my loves,
Follow me on Instagram for lifestyle, fitness and nutrition advice!